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Friday, May 24, 2013

Where have I been you ask?

I have been sitting here for a while staring at the screen. It has been a long while since I've posted an update because I haven't been able to decide what to say.

First, let's catch up on the last 7 months since I posted an update then I'll tackle the uncomfortable stuff. We'll go in chronological order:

  • Abigail started walking! She has always done things on her own timeline and for this milestone she decided to wait a while. Probably just to make me worry ;) Around 18 months old she took her first steps. The fantastic thing was that I happened to be at home when she did! Being home with her full time was the one great thing about being unemployed.
I'm a big girl now!
  • Shortly after my last update I accepted a job with a great company near downtown. I was sad to leave Abby but extremely relieved to be working again to be able to contribute financially.
  • Before I went back to work I did a "mommy's weekend" with my dear friend Erin. We went to San Antonio and had a blast. We walked the river walk, shopped, went to a piano bar and a stand up comedy show.  We also stopped at a place on the way home where you can take a tour thru caverns. I expected to panic a bit but it turned out fine and I enjoyed it! It was a much needed trip.
    Erin and I on our weekend away
  • I started work on October 29th and have found that I love my job again! It was such a welcome relief to enjoy what I do. They are so supportive of a healthy lifestyle as well and we started a "Biggest Loser" competition in March. (separate post to come) So far I am down 18 pounds! 2 more and I will be a quarter of the way to my goal. It's a long road ahead but I have a great start.
  • The best news: My best friend of 13 years (wow I feel old..) Amanda and her family moved back to Houston!!! I am so happy to have her back and it was an extra blessing since it turns out I needed her support more than ever this year.
    Amanda's youngest, Reagan, and Abigail are very close. We're in for so much trouble when they're teenagers...
  • At the end of March Abby turned 2!! We had a party at the house with family and just enjoyed the day. Abby is growing up so fast, I am having to get used to how fast it's going by but at least I am savoring every single moment with her. Our sweet friend Leslie took some time to photograph Abby, Keven and I for her 2 year portraits. They turned out so nice!

     We had a Tinkerbell Themed Party!
    Tinkerbell outfit from her Godparents, Amanda and David. 
    perfectly captures her "attitude"

    So now for the uncomfortable bit...

    As of May 16th, Keven and I are officially divorced. We separated on February 1st. It's a long complicated story but yes, I am sad that Abby will not have her mom and dad in the same house. And yes, it was a really hard decision. It was not a quick decision either. The good news is that it was not a "messy" divorce and we still work hard to be great co-parents for Abigail. Our goal is for her to grow up loved and to keep her routine as normal as possible. Our families and friends have been AMAZING during this time. 

    So for now, Abby and I are still in my house. That will change sooner rather than later but again, that decision is one that had to be made. I am busy from the minute I open my eyes in the morning until the moment I lay down to sleep at night. But it is a good busy and I am happy to focus now on Abby, my health and my career.

    More updates to come, stay tuned!

    With Love,


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

"Be Still"

I've found that as I grow older time has continually seemed to be speeding up. When I was a child it felt like every moment was moving at snail speed. I always wanted to be older than I was. Saying things like "I can't wait to go to junior high!" or "I can't wait to be 16 and drive". Waiting for those ages as a child made time seem to stand still.

Now I understand why my parents always told me to slow down, don't wish your life away. Slow down because it eventually speeds up, slow down because you should cherish each and every memory. Life was so uncomplicated and easy.  When we are young we wish to be older and when we finally get there we wish to be young again. I can pinpoint exactly when days began to flash by at warp speed. It was the day my daughter was born. I feel like I blinked and she is now 18 months old. I want to freeze moments so I can savor them and take in every single detail. My heart aches when I think about how quickly she grows. How is it that when we actually want life to slow down it seems to do the opposite?

Why am I so sappy and sentimental? Other than the fact that I am always emotional, :D , well my family has experianced loss this year. I've mentioned before that my Papa passed away in January. Then Keven's grandmother passed in March. Well with a heavy heart I have to say that my Grandmother passed away two weeks ago. I can't express to you how I feel with these wonderful loved ones gone. I know everyone experiences loss and grief and sorrow. But that's what has gotten me thinking about how quickly life passes. It still doesn't seem real to me that I can't pick up the phone and speak to either of them. Maybe because they lived in Ohio and I was not able to travel there for the funerals. I don't have any form of closure, I haven't actually mourned yet so I know at some point I will hit that wall....

If I close my eyes I can still hear my Papa laugh, I can see my Grandmother smile at me...I can hold on to all of the beautiful things about them. But we all know it's not the same as them being here. I thank God that all of my family knows that I love them. I am blessed that I had strong relationships with them. But I am of course only human, so I miss Grandma and I miss Papa. I wanted them to meet my daughter, I wanted to hug them again and to be honest I just wanted more time...

"Be Still" by The Fray

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Road to Motherhood

Myself at 3 years old, holding a baby doll of course

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mother. I knew that I wanted to have children even when I was still one myself. When I was 11 I took a class at the local library on basic child care. As memory serves I was the only child in the class. I started babysitting at that same age, changing diapers included haha. I actually babysat all the way up to when I started college, and on the rare occasion after that. I taught preschool for 2 years while in high school and had wanted to major in education at college. Had I gone to UT, where I was accepted for the education major, I would have. Anyway, I'm getting off track here.

My whole life I had children respond to me in such a positive manner, I have even had a couple smile and say "hi" to me while I was shopping. I have several friends who had children young and I became "Aunt MayMay" to all of them. So you see, I knew I wanted children and I knew being a mother would change my life.

Fast forward to 2010, May of that year I had been married for almost 2 months and we had decided to just let things happen. I took a pregnancy test on a Saturday, two actually, and they both came back positive almost instantly. I was excited and nervous all at once. For some reason I was scared of losing the baby almost instantly. Weird right? From the get go I felt odd aches and pains. I called and made a doctor's appointment for that following Friday but before I could go I miscarried while at work on Wednesday afternoon on May 5th. It was an extremely awful experience, one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Mine was especially bad since I ended up back in the ER twice more before it was all done with.

For myself, after having a miscarriage and finding out I was pregnant again so soon after was nerve racking. Keven ended up renting me a fetal monitor so I could check the baby's heartbeat to calm myself down. I had TERRIBLE morning sickness for a good 17 weeks. There was a silver lining to that though, I read somewhere that strong morning sickness can indicate a strong pregnancy. Whether it's true or not I clung to that piece of information to keep me sane. I anxiously awaited every single doctor's appointment so I could hear that heart beat. The day we found out Abby was, well Abby and not a boy, I stared at the monitor and cried.  I already loved her more than I can describe.  I have to tell you that I started worrying about her the day I found out I was pregnant and never really stopped. The worry just changes form with every different stage.

Fast forward many months and we come to March 28th 2011. I was HUGE and uncomfortable but grateful for every moment of it. At exactly 5 am I had just gotten up to use the restroom, for the hundredth time I swear, and when I laid back down in bed I felt very dizzy for a few seconds. As soon as that stopped my water broke. I moved out of bed as fast as I could and yelled "KEVEN". You see it was 5 weeks from my due date but there was no mistaking it, I was in labor. Panic set in, it's too early! Thankfully we live less than a 5 minute drive from the hospital so we were there and I was all hooked up by 5:30 am. Turns out Abby was just fine, and so was I. Now I have never been a calm person, I am always anxious about something. Not that day, as soon as I was told that the baby was doing well a complete calm came over me and I was just excited. Friends and family arrived and we talked and laughed while we waited. I had decided to hold out on an epidural until I felt I couldn't handle the pain. The contractions weren't bad, at first. About half way thru the day I couldn't talk during them anymore and I let the nurse know that as soon as the anesthesiologist was ready so was I.

Quick pause: Now before you decide to have an opinion about my decision to have an epidural, don't. I am fully aware that there are many options for child birth. I don't judge anyone on their decisions and while I don't have to explain mine to anyone, I did have several reasons. One, I knew that I needed to be calm for Abby. The calmer I was the easier it would be on her. Two, after the intense pain I experienced related to my miscarriage, at one point I was screaming my head off, I could not handle something like that again.

So I had the epidural and it was pretty much painless, same goes for the labor after that. I was able to rest and before I knew it, it was time. 20 minutes later, at a few minutes past 5pm, Abigail Jane Gordon made her way into the world. My mom and Keven were both there and it was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. She was small, 5lbs and 9 oz, but beautiful and healthy. I was officially, and finally, a mommy.

Even though she was early she never spent one minute in the NICU. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that. She and I both have some pretty amazing guardian angels. A couple days later Abby and I left the hospital for home. As much experience as I have with children of every age I have to tell you that, while it helped a LOT, having my own child is a whole other ball game. It changes you in the most amazing ways. For the rest of my life I am connected to this little girl and I couldn't hope for anything better than that.

Doctor's visit after her jaundice treatments
Attending her own baby shower
Snuggling with Mommy and Big Brother
"Someday I'll demand a pony"
6 months old

I'm a big girl!
My first Christmas
Happy 1st Birthday means cake!
Hi there (17 months old)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

For those that don't know....

Keven and I have been married for 2 years and 7 months now! Wow time seems to have sped up somehow. Anyway, so how did we meet? When did we meet? There are two answers to those questions.

Keven and I actually first met in high school when we were juniors. We hung with the same group of people at the time. While he may not like to admit it, Keven had a crush on me at that time. Without too many details let's just say that was not the time for him and I. 

Fast forward to 2009, I had gone to college and started working shortly after graduation. Keven had joined that Army and was stationed in Iraq. Enter Facebook, we reconnected there. We messaged back and forth for a while to catch up on the past 7 years. Eventually we were IM'ing every day, at least 6 hours a day. No,  I'm not exaggerating, we literally talked ALL the time. So by the time he finished his tour in Iraq we knew pretty much everything about each other. The only thing left was to meet in person to see what was there. 

Now comes the crazy sounding part:

We saw each other in person in December 2009, and were married February 12th, 2010.

I instantly became a stepmom to Keven's son Matthew, who was 4 at the time. It's a challenge but everything good in life is a challenge at some point.

From there on out it seems like many, many years worth of challenges were thrown in our path within the first 2 years. May of 2010 I had a miscarriage. I won't say much on it here, but it was a turning point in my life for certain. Very quickly after that, August of 2010 to be exact, I found out I was pregnant again. This time I was anxious from the get go, during my pregnancy I had a lot of issues with my health, and I spent the majority of 8 months worrying. (More about that in another post)
On March 28th, 2011 Abigail Jane Gordon was born, she was 5 weeks early but perfectly healthy thankfully.

For a little while things were calm, well as calm as they can be with a newborn. I returned to work a short 7 weeks later and my health issues began. Thankfully, everything was diagnosed and treated by the beginning of 2012. In the meantime, in December 2011 Keven's great grandmother passed away, quickly followed by the passing of my grandfather in January 2012, then the sudden passing of Keven's grandmother in March. 
Granny, Keven's great Grandmother, with Abby
Papa, my grandfather, with me as a baby, 1983
GG, Keven's grandmother, with Abby

We still mourn all three of these wonderful family members each and every day. Fortunately, we have each other and dear family and friends who support us. 

Our most recent bump in the road came in August, I lost my job. I am confident that I will be able to find another one soon, but in the meantime I have been able to spend some wonderful time with Abby. So on that note you're all caught up and I'll close with a picture of our precious Abby and I.