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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Road to Motherhood

Myself at 3 years old, holding a baby doll of course

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mother. I knew that I wanted to have children even when I was still one myself. When I was 11 I took a class at the local library on basic child care. As memory serves I was the only child in the class. I started babysitting at that same age, changing diapers included haha. I actually babysat all the way up to when I started college, and on the rare occasion after that. I taught preschool for 2 years while in high school and had wanted to major in education at college. Had I gone to UT, where I was accepted for the education major, I would have. Anyway, I'm getting off track here.

My whole life I had children respond to me in such a positive manner, I have even had a couple smile and say "hi" to me while I was shopping. I have several friends who had children young and I became "Aunt MayMay" to all of them. So you see, I knew I wanted children and I knew being a mother would change my life.

Fast forward to 2010, May of that year I had been married for almost 2 months and we had decided to just let things happen. I took a pregnancy test on a Saturday, two actually, and they both came back positive almost instantly. I was excited and nervous all at once. For some reason I was scared of losing the baby almost instantly. Weird right? From the get go I felt odd aches and pains. I called and made a doctor's appointment for that following Friday but before I could go I miscarried while at work on Wednesday afternoon on May 5th. It was an extremely awful experience, one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Mine was especially bad since I ended up back in the ER twice more before it was all done with.

For myself, after having a miscarriage and finding out I was pregnant again so soon after was nerve racking. Keven ended up renting me a fetal monitor so I could check the baby's heartbeat to calm myself down. I had TERRIBLE morning sickness for a good 17 weeks. There was a silver lining to that though, I read somewhere that strong morning sickness can indicate a strong pregnancy. Whether it's true or not I clung to that piece of information to keep me sane. I anxiously awaited every single doctor's appointment so I could hear that heart beat. The day we found out Abby was, well Abby and not a boy, I stared at the monitor and cried.  I already loved her more than I can describe.  I have to tell you that I started worrying about her the day I found out I was pregnant and never really stopped. The worry just changes form with every different stage.

Fast forward many months and we come to March 28th 2011. I was HUGE and uncomfortable but grateful for every moment of it. At exactly 5 am I had just gotten up to use the restroom, for the hundredth time I swear, and when I laid back down in bed I felt very dizzy for a few seconds. As soon as that stopped my water broke. I moved out of bed as fast as I could and yelled "KEVEN". You see it was 5 weeks from my due date but there was no mistaking it, I was in labor. Panic set in, it's too early! Thankfully we live less than a 5 minute drive from the hospital so we were there and I was all hooked up by 5:30 am. Turns out Abby was just fine, and so was I. Now I have never been a calm person, I am always anxious about something. Not that day, as soon as I was told that the baby was doing well a complete calm came over me and I was just excited. Friends and family arrived and we talked and laughed while we waited. I had decided to hold out on an epidural until I felt I couldn't handle the pain. The contractions weren't bad, at first. About half way thru the day I couldn't talk during them anymore and I let the nurse know that as soon as the anesthesiologist was ready so was I.

Quick pause: Now before you decide to have an opinion about my decision to have an epidural, don't. I am fully aware that there are many options for child birth. I don't judge anyone on their decisions and while I don't have to explain mine to anyone, I did have several reasons. One, I knew that I needed to be calm for Abby. The calmer I was the easier it would be on her. Two, after the intense pain I experienced related to my miscarriage, at one point I was screaming my head off, I could not handle something like that again.

So I had the epidural and it was pretty much painless, same goes for the labor after that. I was able to rest and before I knew it, it was time. 20 minutes later, at a few minutes past 5pm, Abigail Jane Gordon made her way into the world. My mom and Keven were both there and it was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. She was small, 5lbs and 9 oz, but beautiful and healthy. I was officially, and finally, a mommy.

Even though she was early she never spent one minute in the NICU. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that. She and I both have some pretty amazing guardian angels. A couple days later Abby and I left the hospital for home. As much experience as I have with children of every age I have to tell you that, while it helped a LOT, having my own child is a whole other ball game. It changes you in the most amazing ways. For the rest of my life I am connected to this little girl and I couldn't hope for anything better than that.

Doctor's visit after her jaundice treatments
Attending her own baby shower
Snuggling with Mommy and Big Brother
"Someday I'll demand a pony"
6 months old

I'm a big girl!
My first Christmas
Happy 1st Birthday means cake!
Hi there (17 months old)

1 comment:

  1. I adore that picture of her at 6 months...Love you guys<3